If you’re new to the 12-step programs of recovery, i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA), then you may be unfamiliar with the sponsor-sponsee relationship. Not to worry, even people who are familiar with addiction recovery don’t fully understand how this very special relationship is meant to work according to the roots of the programs.
This Redemption Recovery article explores the role of a sponsor in addiction recovery and how the sponsor-sponsee relationship is meant to work according to 12-step principles.
Going to Meetings vs. Getting a Sponsor
If you’re in addiction treatment or have been anywhere near someone in recovery when you needed help, you will have heard the refrain “Go to meetings, get a sponsor” dozens of times. It might even be going in one ear and out the other by now —- but there are good reasons why you’re hearing it so much.
Sponsorship is crucial in any 12-step recovery program, regardless of fellowship. Most begin their NA or AA journey by attending meetings. For some, the support of the fellowship (meetings) may be just enough to help them stay sober for a while. But… It’s very important to know that just attending meetings doesn’t necessarily mean you’re working a program of recovery. Lasting recovery in AA and NA comes from working the steps, which requires the guidance of a sponsor.
AA and NA Meetings and Having a Sponsor:
- 12-step meetings are for fellowship and support to help you hear other’s stories and tell your own, and introduce you to the steps and traditions.
- A sponsor is, first and foremost, a person with sound recovery who can take you through the 12 steps.
- To work a program of recovery in NA or AA, you must go to meetings and (eventually) have a sponsor who takes you through the process.
OK, But What is a Sponsor in AA or NA Exactly?
A sponsor is a person in the 12-step fellowship of your choice who has worked the steps and is working the 12th step by helping others. This includes taking people through the steps (sponsorship).
Your sponsor’s main role is to guide you through the program, providing support and insights along the way. They will ask you to read specific texts and write or journal to deepen your understanding of each step. The goal is to help you grasp the true meaning of the steps and encourage self-reflection, questions, and active engagement.
A sponsor’s responsibility is to clarify the steps, stimulate thought, and promote a deeper connection with the material. Working through the steps is meant to introduce new perspectives and generate personal insights. It’s largely about understanding your own behaviors and thoughts and learning how to make positive changes.
You should feel comfortable being open and honest with your sponsor and trusting them completely. Trust and honesty are vital for the sponsor-sponsee relationship to thrive.
What a Sponsor Isn’t
We’ll cut right to the quick here: A sponsor is not a therapist or a marriage counselor. A sponsor is non-professional. A sponsor may give you advice, but their primary role should always be focused on the literature of the program you are in and guiding you through all twelve steps. That’s a sponsor’s #1 job. Get you through the steps so you can have a transformative experience similar to the one they had.
You should not choose a friend or a buddy as a sponsor. You should not choose an employee of a treatment facility you attended as a sponsor. You should not choose your employer or superior at work as a sponsor.
The primary relationship should be between the sponsor (you) and the sponsee (them). Any other relationship dynamic can complicate things, and that’s the last thing you want. Avoid people who do not exhibit humility and who do not prioritize the program, literature, and higher power. Also, avoid narcissists and blowhards.
A 12-step sponsor is NOT:
- Your therapist, marriage counselor, or financial advisor.
- Someone to borrow money from or ask for alibis.
- An employee at a drug and alcohol rehab you attended.
- Not someone who isn’t in the program or a relative or old buddy.
- Not a regular friend relationship, though you may do activities together.
What a Good Sponsor Looks Like
Ideally, there should be a clear separation between what is just your sponsor’s opinion and what is actually in your AA or NA literature. A good sponsor usually differentiates between the two by saying things like “…in my experience” or prefacing what they’re about to say with a similar disclaimer.
A great sponsor will often guide you in discovering your own answers within the literature and program. They will ask you as many questions as you ask them. Remember, your sponsor’s primary responsibility is to guide you through the materials and support you in working through your steps.
Good sponsors often share wisdom and insight they have picked up along the way, but a sponsor is not a guru or a saint. They are not infallible. A sponsor isn’t your “higher power.”
A good AA or NA sponsor:
- Demonstrates successful recovery and sobriety.
- Has a sponsor and has worked the 12 steps themselves (or is on their way)
- Has humility, patience, and kindness (but they can be tough on you when needed!)
- Doesn’t showboat or act like they are the “star of the meeting”.
- Has a good working knowledge of your fellowships literature and the steps.
How Do You Choose a Good Sponsor in NA or AA?
Most people find their sponsor through meetings and fellowship. A great place to start is simply listening to speakers at the meetings. Look for people who demonstrate the qualities you want for yourself. By the way, that means spiritual and character qualities: honesty, integrity, virtue, humility, and courage. Not the guy or girl who drives the nicest car or has the most impressive job.
A sponsor should have worked all 12 steps and should have a sponsor of their own. Recovery time matters, but it isn’t nearly as important as character and knowledge of the program. You are better off with a sponsor who has been in recovery for 3 years, applies the principles of recovery in their life, and knows the material than a sponsor who has been going to meetings for 20 years but doesn’t emphasize the step work and has bad habits you don’t want to pick up.
Be careful when choosing a sponsor, but don’t take forever trying to find the “perfect sponsor”. That person doesn’t exist. Remember, you have the right to choose another sponsor if one does not work out. Focus on the purpose of a sponsor: To help you work your steps, encourage you, and lead by example. Choose someone you believe is of good character and will do a good job of those things for you.
Tips on choosing a good AA or NA sponsor:
- Look for someone with solid recovery and good communication skills.
- Pick someone who is “walking the walk,” not just talking the talk.
- Choose a person who is serious about the step work and knows the literature.
- Pick a person you believe will hold you accountable and not tolerate flakiness.
- Select a person you respect or admire and will listen to.
Redemption Recovery for a Better Life in Sobriety
At Redemption Recovery, we do more than just help Ohioans get sober. We create a solid foundation for lasting recovery. From our dual-diagnosis programming, which isolates and addresses co-occurring disorders, to our no-nonsense addiction treatment ethics, you will find authentic recovery here.
No matter how far you think you or the person you love has fallen, it’s never too late to begin recovery. All you need to do for now is dial the phone. Yes, recovery is a challenge, but the rewards are more than worth the sweat it takes to earn them, and we’re here to help.
One call can change it all.
It’s time for Redemption: (419) 528-8007
Find out what addiction treatment your insurance will cover here.
